When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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