i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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