in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
