Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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