No stitches, just platelets and will power
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
