Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
