U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
My first STD was from a foam party
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
