seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
