yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
