the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
