I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
