How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
