i love accidental penises.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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