i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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