it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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