we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
