i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
