I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
