hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
