Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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