I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
