I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
