What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
