At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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