i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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