I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
