He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
