i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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