I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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