My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
