Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Why did my mother make you get naked?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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