so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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