some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
