dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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