How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
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The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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