You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
