My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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