He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
