Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
