i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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