Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
