fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
