I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
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I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
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My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
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