She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
So squirting runs in the family.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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