he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
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The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
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I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
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