he puts the penis in happiness.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
