When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
