All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
