you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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