Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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