if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
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