So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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