I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
