Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
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Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
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VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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