told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
