I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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