i was born a porn star she said
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
