the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
