i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
