My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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