I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
there is glitter all over my balls
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