Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
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He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
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He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
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