she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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